Smarter Than a Can of Hairspray: A Pretend Interview with Miss California

By Todd Ransom


As a former reporter, I find myself constantly getting wrapped up in the news. As a former publicist, I also find myself asking the question, “Who the hell is advising so and so to say such rubbish while being interviewed for the news?”

On the rubbish side, I have been following the missteps of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, and consider her responses and her 15-minutes of fame as a tremendous source of entertainment. I have long believed that when you find yourself on the opposite side of an issue and the opposing side selects a spokes model, I mean spokesperson, to spew forth their agenda, it is simply a dream come true when the spokesperson turns out to be dumb as a hoe handle.

I have watched and listened to Miss California’s responses to “tough” questions and wondered what questions I might ask if I had the opportunity. I think my interview with Carrie Prejean would go something like this:


TR: “We know your strong stance on marriage and the need to protect it. So, that said, would you support the movement by a gay organization’s petition drive to get a measure on the California ballot that outlaws divorce?”

CP: “That’s ridiculous. I think it’s wrong for a group to take away someone else’s right when it doesn’t even affect the ones taking it away.”

TR: “So do you favor civil unions?”

CP: “Of course, we fought for it during the Civil War and we now have a civil union. I just love history”

TR: “Who do you admire most in history?”

CP: “I think it was that guy Alexander Graham Bell, who invented electricity. Where would a girl be without her lighted make-up mirror?”

TR: “I think you mean Thomas Edison.”

CP: “Wasn’t he the one who invented that funny car in the 50s?”

TR: “No, I think you mean Edsel Ford.”

CP: “No, I don’t listen to that hard rock music.”

TR: “What? Did you think I said Axel Rose? Perhaps we should move on.
So is it safe to say you are not a big advocate of science?”

CP: “No. I mean how real can it be? Look how it’s spelled…does that make any sense putting an ‘s’ next to a ‘c’?”

TR: “You might as well say the world is flat, Carrie.”

CP: “Duh, haven’t you ever seen a map?”

TR: “So you believe in creationism, not evolution, right?”

CP: “Yes. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Brandon.”

TR: “Don’t you like gay people?”

CP: “Of course I do…on opposite day!” (snorts).

TR: “So do you believe that Eve came from Adam’s rib?”

CP: “Yes, that’s why I only order chicken at barbecue restaurants, never the ribs.”

TR: “What was the hardest question asked during the pageant?”

CP: “Umm, it was ‘what is your original hair color?” Can you believe how they try to trip us up? It’s so unfair.”

TR: “Do you believe that Perez Hilton tried to trip you up with his question on gay marriage?”

CP: “I think Perez Hilton is jealous that his sister, Paris, gets all the attention.”

TR: “It seems that you now have an ally in Governor Sarah Palin. What would you say to her?

CP: “Love your hair, hope you win!!”

TR: “I’m sure you had some words of gratitude to express to Donald Trump for his help in making sure you retain your crown.”

CP: “Yes, but my mother always taught me not to speak with my mouth full.